This is not the post I sat down to write.
I had in mind a late wrap-up of a very content Thanksgiving: heaps of good food, hours of board games, reels of old movies, bottles of prosecco, miles of dog walks, days of conversation and laughter (and an exhausting 30 minutes in the grocery story parking lot that included a fender bender, but that’s a story best left untold).
(24 hooves. 16 paws. 8 feet. 8 hands. How many bees wings?)
But then I started typing and, well, that all seems miles back in the rear view mirror. The turkey tacos are a smokey memory and I’ve scraped the very last of the oatmeal pie into the trash. I just can’t look at it anymore, delicious as it was a week ago.
Today, I’m firmly tethered to the current Thursday, but I’m floating somewhere down the road.
Today, I’ve got two feet planted on this worn out wooden floor, but my eyes are scanning the foggy horizon.
I’m as here and now as I’ve ever been—hay in my hair, bits of firewood stitched into my sweater, shivering slightly with the cold wet that is neither rain nor snow—and still I’m not here.
I have in mind a change. Career-wise, that is. This isn’t really anything new (remember that graduate program in Pittsburgh 20-odd years ago?), but I feel a new urgency to figure out how to piece the fragments of my interests into a more satisfying whole.
Years ago, someone my age might be looking toward retirement in the next 5-10 years. That’s not how the world works anymore. I can’t just bide my time and wait for the clock to wind down.
This feels like starting over, but starting from the end, knowing too much and not enough.
It feels confusing and hard and terrifying and a tiny bit exciting.
And necessary.
Grongar 
This is totally unrelated to what you wrote, but I have to say that I just love the fact that it’s snowing on your bee picture up above. 😄
“This feels like starting over, but starting from the end, knowing too much and not enough.
It feels confusing and hard and terrifying and a tiny bit exciting.
And necessary.”
Oh boy, do I know those feelings. Today the excitement is winning, I think, but the confusing and hard and terrifying parts still come around, too. I hope you can figure out how to work the puzzle in a way that makes you happy. *hugs*
I know you understand this process, Di. You’ve done such a great job starting your bakery business and making all the pieces work together. You’re definitely an inspiration.
I hadn’t noticed the snow on the bees until you mentioned it. I like it, too!
My life feels exactly like that as well, and it is very trying to figure out which way to go and what to do. The world has changed immensely in the last couple of decades and especially now and my own life took a drastic change as well 20 months ago so I am in total agreement with you, “it does feel like starting over and knowing too much and not enough.” thank you for writing your lovely and thought provoking posts. Love the snow falling across the screen.
Thank you so much, Melody. I hope you find your way, too….