Today was one of those days where things just didn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me. I felt confused, angry, sad, listless. What my brain really wanted to do was a whole lot of nothing, just sit in a chair and read and ignore the world maybe.
I tried that for awhile, but it didn’t feel satisfying. Then I went out to dig some holes.
Earlier this fall (ok, maybe this summer), we bought some holly trees for the yard (two females and a male) and a new purple lilac to replace the white lilac we had accidentally bought earlier in the summer. And those poor plants have been sitting next to our driveway in their pots since then. I’ve watered them so they’re alive, and have them sitting in a spot where they get both sun and shade. Even so, they seem to me like sad little zoo plants, sitting in their cages, looking at the wild prairie of a lawn and wanting to stretch their roots. They give me accusing looks every time I get into our out of my car. I feel like a bad Mom.
This week we’ve been given a bonus week of spring-like weather: warm and sunny and even some rain. It seemed like a good week to finally plant those guys, but the week was busy and I was distracted and it didn’t happen.
Today in my chair, though, I was thinking, “What if it never happens? What if the snows come this week? What if those plants die?” I don’t need that on my head.
So out I went with a shovel and my gloves and I dug four holes and the plants are in. It was that simple. That digging felt good, not just because it got me out of my chair and into the sun, and not just because I no longer feel so guilty about those plants, and not just because I was moving my body and that always seems to help my brain. It felt good because I felt like I was doing the last thing I needed to prepare for winter. Even though it doesn’t feel at all like winter out there (and this week, not even like fall), I feel it coming. The leaves are gone and it seems like winter could just appear from around the corner at any moment.
I feel like I’m digging in, preparing for the coming storm, or preparing for something. I don’t know what. Maybe a change (I’m not speaking of an “Obama” kind of change)? I’m readying myself for something I need to do. Maybe I’m trying to tie up old, loose ends so I can concentrate on new things. So I can spend more time focused on what’s in front of me rather than what’s happened or what might.
Digging in and looking forward.